Do Women Really Hold Grudges Longer than Men?

Many people hold grudges, deep ones, that can last a lifetime. Even though doing so can have such a negative impact on both our physical and mental health.

My mom held grudges. Lots of them. And for many years. Most were against my dad, but she’d held a few against me—one dating back decades to when I’d moved out at twenty-two. A more recent one was about my bringing in 24-hour care for her in the last weeks of her life. Unfortunately, while it’s not the way I would’ve liked to have ended our relationship here on this earth, it’s something I’ll have to live with since I believe I did the right thing. She was struggling and needed help. I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it.

I’m embarrassed to admit I was also holding some grudges against her as well. The situations, again, took place decades earlier. It surprises me they even popped up again, except I’m completely aware that it’s easier to feel anger than to experience the grief you know you’re about to feel when you’re losing someone you love.

My mom and I are hardly alone in the grudge holding department, though. According to an informal survey (12,000 people from six different countries), 78 per cent of those polled admitted they held a lingering resentment. Many said they held seven grudges at one time.

So, what are they, and why do we do it?

Some say we harbor resentment toward others when we feel wronged. That anytime we feel disempowered, we need to find a way to take back control. We need the person to know they harmed us, they’re being punished, and we expect them to change. Ironically, it’s a cry for the compassion we didn’t get, the acknowledgment that our suffering matters. Our indignation and anger are an acclamation that we deserve to be cared about and treated better.

Then I went down a rabbit hole. It started with a line I read in The Vulnerables, Sigrid Nunes’ new novel.

“Like many women, she would always find it easier to feel for a male (except, of course, her husband, against whom she bore innumerable, lifelong, deadly grudges) than for any female.”

Is this true? Do women hold grudges longer than men? One author felt that because the part of our brain that holds memories is larger than a man’s that we have the ability to remember more, thus allowing us to revisit a bad situation and hold it as a grudge long after it’s over. That seems like a stretch. Honestly, is she saying that because women have bigger brains that we’re more apt to do meaner things?

I don’t buy it.

The fact that the author had no credible resources to support her claim except personal speculation spurred me on to other material. In another piece written by two female therapists, it was suggested that women hold grudges longer because they feel they aren’t being heard nor are they being given the chance to process and repair the problem. It was based on what they heard women say during therapy.

Okay, that makes sense.

So, back to my job of cleaning out my parents’—scratch that, my house. Last week, I found another snapshot of my folks. Again, pre-me.

My folks circa 1958

My mother looks happy and content. Her facial features are soft. I figured they were married for about a year; they were still newlyweds. It’d be decades before she stopped smiling for the camera. In her later years, she would only grin, her expression strained, her lips thin as rice paper.

What happened? What changed?

Not enough, I’d say.

The way I see it, if you've spent more years than not feeling like you’ve been wounded by the people closest to you—be it your husband, your siblings, your daughter, and you felt like no one was listening, your voice wasn’t being appreciated, you’ll learn to keep others at arm’s length and protect yourself.

The problem is that holding onto them is bad for us.* It's not good for our mental health.**

Oh sure, we feel all high and mighty in the moment, but this doesn’t bring us the result we want.

We want change.

We want things to get better.

We want to be heard.

Women have spent centuries asking—no, demanding to be heard, even though it’s still not a done deal. You can read some examples here, here, here, and here, to name only a few.

I believe my mom spent too many years feeling unheard. It didn’t help that the last few years of her life were the most difficult and presented her with the most problems. She struggled with her health—both physical and mental. A lot. And it made her angry. A lot. They’re not years I want to remember. They were painful for both of us.

It's the reason finding all these old pictures, and letters, and memorabilia she left behind will help me to understand her better. They reveal a side of her I didn’t get to see, or know, or maybe I was just too young to remember. But they’re providing me with snippets of this woman, and it’s priceless.

I plan to let go of the grudges I’m still holding against her. They’re not healthy, and they’re not fair—to either of us. I want to resolve my anger with her (e.g., a natural part of the grieving process, I’m learning) and refocus on the enormous amount of compassion I had for her. We had many challenges as mother and daughter, but I loved her immensely and had great compassion for her as both a mother and a woman.

Therefore, I want to make my life about concentrating on the things she did for me rather than ruminating on what she didn’t do, the things she couldn’t do. I want to focus on being grateful for what we had together rather than dwelling on the things we didn’t have. 

Some footnotes:

*While I haven’t read the book, Sophie Hannah says grudges are good for us, though she defines holding a grudge and forgiveness differently than I would. 

**This shouldn’t be confused with deciding someone isn’t good for us and removing them from our lives. Sometimes this is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Final Mentions

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As always, thank you so much for reading!

Until next month! Cheers!

Maria